


The Door Itself Makes No Promises

by alyyks



Series: Damned If We Won't Try [1]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Episode: s05e20 The Wrong Jedi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 22:51:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13668966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyyks/pseuds/alyyks
Summary: The Jedi Temple retreated at her back and Ahsoka did not look back. She did not look back. No, this, those steps, those walls, the Temple, for all that she wanted nothing more than to go home, it would never be safety again.—Ahsoka, in the hours after she walks away.





	The Door Itself Makes No Promises

**Author's Note:**

> Previously posted on my tumblr forever ago—this is the revised version. 
> 
> Title from Adrienne Rich's “Prospective Immigrants Take Note.”

The Jedi Temple retreated at her back and Ahsoka did not look back. She did not look back. No, this, those steps, those walls, the Temple, for all that she wanted nothing more than to go home, it would never be safety again.  
  
Once she reached the end of the great stairs, she did not stop moving. There weren’t many places Ahsoka could go now—there weren’t many places she felt comfortable going. Padmé’s apartments would be too much like an imposition, and a poor repayment for everything Padmé had done for her, even if it hadn’t worked in the end. The GAR grounds and barracks were out of reach too: the initial arrest had stripped her of all military titles and rights, and leaving the Order certainly hadn’t helped with that. Trying to find Ventress probably wouldn’t help anything, if Ventress was even still on planet.  
  
Ahsoka walked mechanically to the nearest autorail stop as the sun set on this part of Coruscant. On the plate-form, she had to take a breath and finally, finally stop, covering her face with both hands and shaking. Once, twice, three times, she breathed in and let go of the shock, the horror, all her feelings. She wouldn’t be able to examine every action and thought that had lead to that point until she was somewhere safe to do so, but shaking and breathing in and out would do.  
  
Right now, she needed to _think_ and _plan_.  
  
Out there, she was no-one, and nothing. Without the knowledge she was Jedi and the authority that came with it even as a minor, without her lightsabers as mark of her skills and capacities, what was left, what was she allowed to do?  
  
She stepped on the next autorail train that came through.  
  
Her feet, or maybe the Force, took her to CoCo Town and Dex’s Diner. She stood in front of the door for an instant. The inside was brightly lit, busy with life and people. She saw Dex pausing from behind his counter, moving to wave at her, gesturing for her to come in and take the back booth.  
  
She entered, answered Dex’s “with you in a minute, kid” with a smile.  
  
The back booth was slightly sticky, the way it had always been and probably always would be. The diner was full of normal people; people going to their jobs, coming back from them, visiting Coruscant, going nowhere. She had no idea which of those group she could belong to now.  
  
The plate of steaming food that was slipped in front of her startled her back to reality. She looked up.  
  
“One special, kid. You’ll feel better after food.” Dex nudged the plate closer to her with one hand, another placing a container of spicy _ghel_ sauce to the side, yet another placing a full mug of caf down.  
  
“Dex, I—” She probably had enough credits in her belt to cover the meal but… Did she even had access to her credits account anymore? One more thing to think about, to plan for.  
  
“On the house. You’ve had a long few days, and we like to take care of our friends here.”  
  
Dex placed his hand on his shoulder, and for a second Ahsoka wasn’t sure she wasn’t going to burst into tears. Master Obi-Wan had introduced her to Dex, and the restaurant had become a safe place to go, something she had kept in mind even without thinking about it. The food there beat Temple food any day, especially for people like her with more carnivorous diets, there was people-watching to do, and she had even managed to bring Barriss there once— the memory faded with the bitterness and ache of what her friend had done. Had done to her.  
  
She mustered a smile, didn’t ask him how he knew what those few days had been like. “Thank you, Dex.”  
  
He patted her on the shoulder, and again she wasn’t sure she wasn’t going to burst into tears. “Stay as long as you need.”  
  
—  
  
“Scoot over, sir.”  
  
The address startled her from her contemplation of her half-eaten plate, immediately looking up and— Fives slid into the booth bench next to her, followed by Tup. On the other side, Kix and Jesse were the ones to sit down. Of the four, only Kix was wearing his greys, his hat folded and tucked in his open shirt in a very non-regulation-appropriate way; the others were wearing civilian outfits that would have made them vanish into any crowd in any spaceport across the galaxy even with their recognizable faces.  
  
Details. She was focusing on details because… because they were _there_. And she realized she had never expected to see them again, the men of the 501st, her men as much as she was theirs. She stayed stuck in place trying to process seeing them here long enough that they all had mugs of caf in hand and Kix had started his usual rant on unbalanced food by the time she found her voice again.  
  
“What are you doing here?”  
  
“Checking on our favorite Commander of course,” Fives said. “Is that skeel sausage?”  
  
“Yeah you can have it—” She automatically pushed her plate toward him—“No he can’t!” Kix interjected and was ignored— “Don’t ignore my question!”  
  
“General Kenobi told us you might be there,” Jesse said.  
  
“Well, us—he told Captain Rex, who told us, and there we are,” Tup said.  
  
“Rex’s stuck with politics at the barracks, otherwise he’d be there too,” Kix added.  
  
“But… why?”  
  
They all stared at her like she had taken a hit and they were waiting for her to get her bearings back. But she didn’t have her bearings in the first place—she was still off-kilter from everything, and seeing them here, at the diner, just threw her off further.  
  
“You’re our commander, Ahsoka.”  
  
“You’re our crazy Jedi CO,” Fives added to Jesse’s words.  
  
“One of them at least,” Tup grinned.  
  
“But I’m… not.” The moment the words passed her lips she hated how small she sounded.  
  
“Looks like the General left some things out,” Kix said gently, both hands around his mug, looking for all the world like he’d wait all night and longer for her to talk—but only if she wanted to talk.  
  
“I left the Order,” she blurted out.    
  
Fives coughed into his mug; the others stayed silent.  
  
“How?” was the only question. Tup’s question.  
  
She couldn’t face them. The table was easier to talk to. “The whole thing was—My friend, Barriss, did it. And she framed me for it. And it would have worked, if Anakin hadn’t confronted her.” A break. “The Senate does not have oversight of the Jedi, not for crimes and trials. All those are dealt internally. The war and us being military officers muddled things too much. I still shouldn’t have been thrown to the politicians like this. Without any support from the Council.”  
  
“It was… surprisingly quick,” Jesse agreed. “We didn’t see much, from the coverage—“  
  
“—but it’s setting a precedent, isn’t it? Now, the Senate can do whatever it wants if a Jedi steps too much out of line for them,” Kix finished.  
  
Ahsoka hadn’t even thought about that, and the thought disturbed her deeply. Tarkin let loose in the dealings of the Temple… she shook her head to get rid of the thought and the fear that came with it and continued: “The Council would have— that is, they… They said the whole thing was my Trials, and I passed.”  
  
“Ahsoka!”  
  
“That’s our Jedi!”  
  
“Congratulations!”  
  
She shook her head to stop them. “I can’t trust them anymore. So I refused, and I walked out.” She had walked off the main stairs without a look back for Anakin. She took a deep breath. “If I’m not a Jedi, I have no standing in the army. Even as a civilian I’m too young to enlist, if they even let civilians in anymore.” She could see, out of the corner of her eyes, the men exchanging glances. She breathed out, and leaned against Fives. He always welcomed contact during down time, and this time was no exception. He shifted to accommodate her. “I probably shouldn’t be telling you all that. We can’t—…. you can’t afford not to trust your COs.”  
  
Another silence. It stretched long enough to become uncomfortable. She didn’t want to see their expressions.  
  
“You know…” Tup started, the side of his hand brushing her across Fives, “my confidence in our COs took a hit with Umbara.” She looked up. She hadn’t been there with them, and she couldn’t forgive herself for it. The nods at Tup’s words were somber. “Knowing a little more… well there’s isn’t much we can do.” There wasn’t anything she could add to that.    
  
Outside, a transport whizzed past in violent red and blue lights against the violet and yellow scheme of the public lights of CoCo Town. For an instant, Fives, Tup, Jesse and Kix wore their color, 501st blue, on their faces—their own color and the color of blood. A shiver ran up her spine.  
  
“What’s next?” Kix asked.  
  
She welcomed the change of subject. She shook her head, her montrals making a smooth noise against the fabric of Fives’ sleeve. “I have no idea. I have no idea what seventeen years old civilians are even allowed to do.”  
  
Fives moved his arm, giving her a nudge with his elbow. “I’d suggest getting a piloting license.”  
  
“Fives!” She reared back in mock-surprise and mock-offense. “Are you suggesting that my piloting’s no good?”  
  
Fives smiled with just one corner of his mouth, hands up. “I am absolutely not saying that, I might be suggesting that you definitively took lessons from General Skywalker.” That got a few laughs around the table.  
  
Ahsoka made a show of looking up and thinking. “You might have a point.” That got more laughs, and the atmosphere lightened up.  
  
She looked at them, those men, her brothers-in-arms, the ones she trusted with her life, trusted to finish their missions, trusted to fight and live. She was going to miss them, she realized, the full ramifications of her leaving Order and army finally hitting. She wouldn’t have Fives at her back anymore. She wouldn’t know that Kix would be covered by Jesse to save one more brother, just one more. She wouldn’t see Tup come out of his shell more. There would be no more jokes, no more saving brothers, no more being there, with them.  
  
She couldn’t walk away from them. Another shiver ran up her spine at the thought, electric, like the pressure warning before a storm in true-atmosphere—the Force, pushing, _whispering_ to her for the first time in days.  
  
Fives, Jesse, Tup and Kix raised their mugs. The movement snapped her out of the half-trance she had fallen into.  
  
“To our commander.”  
  
“To our Ahsoka.”  
  
“To our friend.”  
  
She smiled, blinking hard. “Aw, guys…” She raised her empty mug.  
  
She wasn’t walking away from them.


End file.
